I want to run away and create a beautiful life for myself
I just got off the call with my boyfriend. I was in a very happy mood until I took my earphones off and heard Simon abuse Maria.
Suddenly, tears rolled down my cheeks. Maria turned a deaf ear to what Simon said and that’s something I hated the most. All my childhood, I grew up thinking Maria was the victim. But she wasn’t. She was plain lazy. The thought of leaving Simon never crossed her mind because she couldn’t see herself working her ass off for her own sake. All my childhood, she portrayed that she was helpless and needed to be rescued. This shaped my mind and I began feeling the same. In my teenage years, I grew up thinking that a random guy was supposed to come rescue me.
If you see me, you can tell that I am a very strong-headed girl. Fierce, rebellious but also soft-hearted and emotional. I always had a feeling that I was never going to be the one who could be tamed. My rebellious nature didn’t really keep me in the good books of my family. But, I didn’t care much about that.
Maria nurtured me in the worst way possible. She taught me to be dependent, accept shit from people, and ignore the abuses. She even let random people talk down to me. Whenever Simon tried to abuse me, he had to face the wrath of my anger. That wasn’t necessarily solving anything. But in those moments, it felt good to give it back. To not let him control me like he controlled Maria.
Simon did just one good thing for me in his entire life. He gave me a proper education. Luckily, I belonged to a caste that saved Simon from paying heavy fees for school and college. Fortunately, I met a lot of good friends during my first job. When I got my first paycheck, I realised I had it in me to burn the cage I was in. I knew it would take years but I believed that someday, I could free myself. My friends were really nice to me. They made me feel loved. I would often break down in my office because of the same drama that Maria and Simon would put up almost every night. But the moment I used to see my friends, I somehow used to feel hopeful and strong. Just their existence helped me a lot. I don’t mean to get your sympathy because I know there are people out there going through worse situations. But this was painful. A lot. And I would thank all my office friends, college friends, my cousins, and a few strangers who somehow got me through those days.
Being in an abusive household is like letting someone rip you apart every day. One might ask, “Then, why didn’t you leave?” I really wanted to but I was short of two things. Firstly, money. Secondly, courage.
After every paycheck, I somehow got the confidence that I might actually have a way out. I might have a chance of making something wonderful of myself. I began feeling better. I started nurturing myself. My boyfriend, my best friend, my cousins and my sweet friends at the office played a big role in helping me feel like I belong.
I wanted to write about how Maria and Simon tortured me for 26 years in the name of love and care. It took me 23 years to understand that they were pretty selfish and that they didn’t actually give a damn about my well-being. I want to write all about how they made a fool of my love for them but I break down every time I try to write that down. So I am skipping that part. Simon and Maria shouldn’t have had a child. For a long time, I kept wondering about my existence. Then I used to tell myself, “Maybe you were born so that you can burn your cage and help others do the same.” I know, this sounds so scripted. Maybe, I watched some stupid Bollywood movie and assigned myself this mission. Whatever it is, it helps me stay sane. The thought that MAYBE, my writings and my story might help at least one person in this world makes me feel good.
Fast forward a few years, I have both savings and the courage to run away from an abusive environment and reach for the stars. I have always been a dreamer and there’s very little someone can do to tame me. That has not happened yet and I hope it never happens. Also, over the years, I have learned that nobody is supposed to save or rescue you. That’s not their job or their place to do so. It’s your thing. You need to unlearn the wrong values and rescue yourself.
I have a deep desire to run away from Simon and Maria and never be bothered by their mind games again. I am taking baby steps towards a new life and I am optimistic that my dreams will come true. Simple dreams. Living far away, surrounded by love, being loved, excelling at my day job, writing books, arranging book signings, loving the right people, and being content.
My best friend and my boyfriend play a big role in making this dream a reality and I cannot thank them enough. They know who they are and they should know that I will forever be grateful to them for all the love and support.
If there is someone who is in a similar situation, I want to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t lose hope. Keep trying. It might take some time. But, you will be on the other side of the tunnel. God will send his angels. Just believe in your intentions, be good, work hard and don’t give up. It might seem difficult and very painful. But don’t lose hope. Please. You are valuable and you need to give yourself the love that you deserve. Your parents don’t define you and if they have screwed you up, you have the ability to unlearn. So, do that and create a fresh life for yourself while you still can.
When I say, “I want to run away and create a beautiful life for myself”, one might wonder, “How can running away be the solution?”. I just want to share a few words written by the most beautiful woman in this world, Taylor Swift. (From her song, It’s time to go)
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
Merry Christmas, y’all 🙂 I hope you get to spend it with your loved ones. Love is all you need.
Picture courtesy: We heart it.